tweet last night and by the title of this post, but I have some wonderful news to share with you all!
When I first stumbled into the blogging world, it seemed that my beliefs weren't "the thing" to talk about, because it seemed to be part of my very personal life. I didn't want to post anything that might "offend" my readers. How silly of me to do that in the first place. My blog is about my real life. I got too worried about offending a reader more than actually thinking about who I am and what is best for me. Starting today, the blog is going in a new, brighter direction. Yes, I am still featuring outfits, diy, photos from around the home, etc! This will just be a new addition! Read my story below to understand more.
For as long as I can remember, I have been so absolutely passionate about the Lord. I love God with absolutely every single part of my being. My Pastor always told me when I was little that I had a bright future with the Lord, and I would have one powerful testimony. He could see His spirit in my eyes. I became star pupil in my Bible study groups and absorbed as much knowledge as I possibly could about God. In my younger teens, I decided that I wanted to be a missionary. I wanted to travel and teach people about God. I started teaching my brother's friends about God and reading to them from the Bible. They would all sit quietly and would beg for me to teach them another lesson. I was so close and connected to God that I felt invincible.
Then 2006 came. I suddenly started getting sick to the point of throwing up and going to the hospital regularly. I had migraines and major stomach pains. My skin went pale and my eyes became sunk and glazed with dark circles underneath them. I lost 6 pant sizes in a matter of 3 weeks. One of my high school teachers made me get up in front of my class, pointed at me, and said "This is what it looks like when you let drugs take over your life." I started refusing to go anywhere because people would stare and whisper about me. I wouldn't eat or talk to anyone. I would stay at home in bed and sleep most of the day. Later that year, my high school principal told my mom that I could not come back because I missed too many days of my sophomore year, and that they were "concerned" about my well being. I was put into homeschooling. Hundreds of doctors, Neurologists, Psychiatrists, couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. My friends didn't understand. Everyday was a losing battle and just progressively getting worse.
In 2009 I went to the emergency room in heart failure. My pulse rate was 19 beats per minute. I was transferred to Central Georgia Heart Center to see a cardiology specialist named Dr. Carmine Oddis. On July 4, 2009, he diagnosed me with P.O.T.S. After two weeks, I left the hospital. I was bed ridden for the first two months. I wore a heart monitor for 3 months after that and constantly went back and forth between hospitals and home. I had to be assisted everywhere I went and could never be left alone. I had to take cold showers less than 10 minutes because I couldn't stand longer than that without passing out. I couldn't go to church. I couldn't hang out with friends. I couldn't drive. I couldn't leave my house. I couldn't do anything. It was all taken away from me in a matter of weeks. 2009-2010 was pure hell on Earth. I lost all hope of ever being normal again, and being a missionary was certainly the last thing on my mind. In early 2010, Dr. Oddis finally got me on the right medication. I could stand longer, move around a little more, and give myself just enough time to do normal day stuff. Then I started this blog. I didn't know exactly where I wanted it to go, but I just wanted my voice to be heard and to make sure that my life wasn't pointless anymore. I had lost all touch with God. I begged and cried, "Why would you do this to me? All I want is to serve you. I don't deserve this!" God went silent on me for 4 long years. I heard nothing. I had no direction. I was hopelessly lost.
Then Casting Crowns came out with this song. I listened to this song almost every single day. I started praying and thanking God for everything he had given me. I was going to obey his will. No matter what happened, I was going to thank Him for it. My plans were tossed to the side and brand new ones were opened up. He opened my eyes and helped me see what had truly been going on in my life. I completely hit rock bottom. The deepest of the lowest pit that ever existed. My life had completely fallen apart. I fell to my hands and knees and asked God to send me someone that would take care of me and would love Him just as much as I did. A faithful man that knew my needs, but would exceed them. That's when I met Josh.
Joshua. This wonderful, beautiful, loving, sincere man. He came from a family of Preachers and missionaries. We met each other at the exact timing that we needed each other. As time went by, he knew my illness, he knew my needs, he knew my heart. And he loved me. Even after all of that and every part of me that he knew, he loved me. God had answered my prayers and exceeded my expectations. I needed him more than anything in my life. God had placed me in this family of missionaries, but I had no idea how I would do it in the future while trying to live with this illness. Then Josh taught me how to pray. He taught me to let go and forgive those that had hurt me in my past. He taught me to trust God fully that he will answer all of my prayers, because everything is in God's timing, not our own. That was in 2011.
For almost two weeks, I've been doing a Bible study, When God Speaks, trying to understand God's voice when he talks. I was still searching for His voice. Still striving to hear something, anything, from God. I would pray.. "God, why aren't you speaking to me? I want to know your plans for my life and what you want me to do- show me!"
Yesterday, Josh brought home this tiny red video camera in order for me to do vlogs on the blog. He knew how long I had been patiently waiting for a video camera (ahem, two years!!) I couldn't have been happier. Later that night, as I was doing my studies, I looked at the video camera while holding the Bible and my study book in my lap. I kept looking at it and thinking "What in the world am I going to vlog about? I'm not very good at makeup, I think outfit videos are really awkward and somewhat pointless.." and in the midst of my jumbled thoughts my mind just cleared. Then it happened. God spoke to me. This is what he showed me. In my mind I was sitting on our bed in front of an open window, legs Indian style, Bible in my lap, notebook and highlighters scattered at both of my sides. I was talking on and on and on about different verses, laughing, smiling, so vibrant and happily explaining what I had heard from God. Singing songs I loved on camera. Testifying the truth and the love. I was online ministering. I was overwhelmed with joy and almost started crying! (I'm actually crying right now!) I immediately grabbed my notebook and started jotting down ideas and what I had seen. "You finally did it God, I can finally hear you now." I cried as I wrote in my notebook. "I can't believe this is really happening!"
And that was my amazing story! Conclusion? From now on, there will be a new feature called "Ministry". This feature will be all about scripture, encouraging verses, teachings from the Bible, songs of praise and worship, and prayer to help you through each week. I'll take personal emails and testimonies that I can share with readers. This is my way of spreading the Gospel. Even though I may be sick still, I can still spread the word! Praise God for showing me the way! I hope you'll tune in this Saturday for our study. Make sure to bring a Bible, highlighter, notebook, and a pen! :) xoxox